Families: making the transition

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HelpYour Child Deal with the Stress of Applying to College

ByHerbert F. Dalton, Jr., Director of Enrollment Planning, Middlebury College

A troubling -andgrowing - component of applying to college is stress. Stress strikes both highschool students and their parents. And in all too many cases, whether or notthey admit it, parents are the source of anxiety.

Here are somereasons that parents can add to a student's stress and to their own:

• Parents may try to live their own livesthrough their children. One symptom of this syndrome is pronoun confusion, inwhich the parent explains to the college counselor, "We really want to go toVassar."
• Some parents are unrealistic. They don'tknow their child's college admission "profile" (how he or she stacksup against other applicants) or how competitive certain colleges are. Much oftheir knowledge may be based on their own college admission experience andtherefore may not be up-to-date or applicable to their child.
• For many parents, the college admission processrepresents the first time the child is in the driver's seat making decisions which is also the last time parents arein control. Some of the parents' own unresolved feelings toward their child'snew independence can infect the process.

As a parent, there are several things you can do tohelp your child cope with the stress of applying to college:

• Start talking about college with yourchild by asking questions. The family that begins the process by dealing withthe question "Why college?" before trying to find the right collegeis going about things in the right order.
• Communicate. Listen to what is said ornot said. Be aware of your child's concerns, priorities, and choices. Children,not parents, should fill out college applications and take the lead in theapplication process.
• Know the admission criteria for thecolleges on your child's list and know your child'scredentials. One unrealistic mother commented, "I knew Amy wasn't in thetop 50 percent of her class, but I had no idea she was in the bottom half!"
• Help your child set himself or herself upfor success. Make sure that your child applies to at least two colleges wherehe or she will be accepted. If you know your child can't get into Yale, don'tinsist that he or she apply.
• Let your child take the initiative. He orshe should be the one scheduling visits and calling admission counselors withquestions. If the child is responsible from the beginning, this can eliminateconflict down the road.
• A recent issue of Spy magazine listed thegreatest fear of New Yorkers as "owning inferior children." Love yourchildren for what they are and help them find a place where they can be happyand successful.

Tips for Helping Your Parents Let Go

[excerpted from Off to College 2005, p.23]

Arrange a schedule tocontact your parents and stick to it. Whether you promise to call or e-mailonce a week or return home to visit once a month, you need to negotiate inadvance how you will stay in contact with your parents. They have aneighteen-year investment in you, and it is normal that they will be curiousabout how things will work out. If you satisfy their curiosity, they will notspontaneously drop in on you.

Share good news swellas bad. If your telephone callsor e-mails to your parents are a one-tone whine, they will have a tendency tobelieve your life is falling apart. Make sure you balance the bad newswith the good so that your parents get used to the idea that you can manageyour own life.

Learn how to handleyour own problems. You do betterat college if you learn to negotiate with staff yourself. Relying onyour parents to handle your housing bill or to complain about your roommatesimply prolongs your childhood.

Encourage your parentsto visit your college at leastonce. Seeing you in your new context as a functioning adult helps your parentsrealize that you are a capable person. If your college has a Parents' Day,encourage your parents to attend. If nothing else, finding out that otherparents have dealt with some of the same issues may alleviate some of theirfears.

Enlist other people, when necessary, to help you deal with your parents.Sometimes your parents won't believe you when you tell them that even an artmajor can find a job, or that your talent is in English literaturerather than in physics. Professionals at your college deal with the anxietiesof parents all the time. Encourage your parents to talk to them.

10THINGS WE WANT YOU TOKNOW:

(Reprinted with permission from TalbotsStudent Planning Book)

1. Don't go nuts. The newfound freedom of college life can give you the tendency to develop bad habits. This must be avoided by setting new rules and limitations for yourself. Just because you are not living under your parents' rule does not mean you should do whatever you want. You must exert self-control and discipline in both your studies and your social activities in order to succeed.
2. Don't expect to be best friends with your roommate. Many students go to college with the idea that their roommate will undoubtedly be one of their best friends. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Some roommates hardly even speak to each other. Most roommates have different habits, sleeping patterns, behaviors, and schedules. However, it is important to respect one another's space and develop a healthy relationship in which you can communicate freely about any problems.
3. Familiarize yourself with the campus and all the resources it has to offer. Make sure you know your way around so you make it to class on time, as well as knowing where to find laundry rooms, workout facilities, libraries, computer rooms, etc.
4. Do not limit your circle of new friends to those people who live near you. Reach out and keep meeting new people with diverse backgrounds. It's a good way to broaden your own horizons.
5. Get a lanyard or key chain. It is important to keep track of all keys and ID cards so as not to misplace them, nor waste time looking for them.
6. Do not spend all of your time trying to stay in touch with friends from home. Though it is often times easier to associate with those you already know, it is important to open yourself up to new people and friendships.
7. Be prepared for the weather. Many students forget that campuses are often big and sprawling, and to get from class to class students often have to walk a distance. Dorms are usually removed from the academic area, and are too far a walk between classes. Dress accordingly when leaving for class in the morning and be prepared to spend some time outdoors.
8. Get to know your Resident Assistant. The RA acts as a two-way street relaying information between residents and the school administration. In order to hear about campus issues and also to voice your own concerns, it is beneficial for you to maintain a healthy relationship with your RA.
9. Learn about public transportation and the area surrounding your college. Learn how to obtain resources outside of the college, as well as how to get home via buses, trains etc. Trips to your local pharmacy, the Gap, or the grocery store are all a little more complicated as most students don't have a car. It is therefore important to learn how to use other modes of transportation.
10. Do not expect to get settled right away. It often takes students a period of time to get comfortable with their new environment and find the friends and activities that are right for them. Getting adjusted to college is a gradual process, and it takes everyone time to transition.

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